Hummingbird
by andI'mstillinlove
Summary: Oneshot, more for me then anything else, give it a read if you like, not the happiest of a oneshot, you've been warned


**Hummingbird**

A/N: I have issues saying what I think when it comes to talking face to face, but when I write, it becomes so much easier, maybe its because I'm a coward, I don't know, there's a number of things it could be, but that doesn't matter much. I'm in the process of learning how to say goodbye, and waiting for and wanting someone, school just started again, re-igniting some issues I thought had left, but not all things rest easily. --Enjoy--

Dedicated to Danny Oates, he was killed this afternoon, I never knew him, but he was 14, and there's no way in hell he should have died, but he did, so a shout out for you, wherever you may be Danny.

_In fact I quite depended on her,_

_But that I didn't want her to know..._

_Now that she's gone I know_

Have you ever want something, no, need something so much you felt yourself giving away without it? Wasting away everyday you didn't have it with you, but wanting it so desperately that you'd be willing to wait an eternity just to have it, even if for just a second or two before it disappeared altogether. It's an amazing feeling, being aware of yourself falling away, feeling yourself give out just a little bit more every day. If it didn't hurt so bad, I'd try to feel like that more often. Have you ever had that feeling day in and day out for months? You become so aware of yourself deteriorating that it becomes a past-time, feeling and watching yourself die off, and it just becomes another daily activity, fitting in right between waking up and eating breakfast, so recognized and familiar, you almost enjoy it. Almost. There's always that part that kicks and screams, yelling at you to stop it, find that something and get it, grip onto it with both hands and never let go, save yourself before you can't go back, fight for it, die for it, live for it, just like you've always wanted to.

And now concerning that thing. It doesn't mean any harm, it's just there, not trying to kill you on the inside, not trying to throw your life into total and complete chaos, no, it just sits there. Now change that thing into a person, and that's when it gets really complicated. Turn that thing into a person, and the deterioration doubles, maybe even triples, and you never see it coming. You don't enjoy wasting away over someone half as much as wasting away over a thing. Maybe not even half, because that process of disappearing becomes searing and painful, so, so painful. But you never once get that notion to stop wanting that someone, it never crosses your mind, because if you let them go, along with all the pain, you won't be left with much else, because when you get to that point when it starts killing you to want someone as much as you do, that hurting and ripping and tearing and searing becomes a part of you as much as breathing and moving and living. If it were to leave you, you'd be left with a shell. Maybe not even a shell, maybe something less then that. I have yet to let go of her, and I doubt I ever will.

I've had experience with both of the above. I've wanted things so badly, and I felt that wasting away and fading out, and I've wanted someone so badly, that I'm dying right now as I watch her with someone else, someone thats not me, with an arm around her shoulder that isn't mine, and lips on her ear that isn't mine, and the smile on her face that wasn't caused by me. I've screwed up, oh believe me I have more knowledge on the topic then anyone else on the face of this planet. I'm not proud, I so am not proud of that fact, but I know that feeling when it hits you full in the face that you've just screwed up, made a huge mistake, changed something that was perfect, that never needed changing, and never would have changed if not for you. Have you ever screwed up and realized that that screw up, that one mistake changed your life, and will keep it changed until the day you die, just because you wanted to make a point, or to prove someone wrong, or to make a rash decision, try to escape a monster you yourself created?

I have. I have so many times, I don't think Albert Einstein could keep up. But none of these countless screw ups matter. They barely make a mark in my book, not compared to the screw up that is staring at me full in the face right now, grinning at me, eyes mocking, just waiting to burst into hateful laughing, remind me of how I lost what could have been my only taste of life I have ever had. Reminding me that I really am alone, and no matter how hard I try, I manage to push the people that I love more then anything, more then life itself right out of mine. I don't know how I do it, year in and year out, I amaze myself sometimes with my ability to screw up, to fuck up everything. I don't know my secret to my misery, I just walk into it, unknowingly embracing it, and having everything else take back seat to it. I've been running from it for the last few months, and I thought I'd found the barrier that would keep all my mistakes and screw ups and past away. He wasn't a barrier at all, if anything he only added lighter fluid and gasoline to the already out of control fire that I had become. But I'd had the barrier at one time. She really was the barrier, and nothing could touch me, but I had to test the barrier, see if it really was as impenetrable as it appeared to be. Sure enough, if you hit it and pushed it enough, it began to crack, and that's when everything began coming back.

That's when the screw ups found me again, re-attached themselves right where they used to be, re-ignited all my impulses and vain wants and needs. That's when I screwed up, that's when I gave in to everything I didn't need or want. And that's when I lost what I really did want, and what I needed more then anything else. That's when I lost that girl right in front of me, wrapped up in someone else's arms and words and love, smiling widely, laughing loudly, living freely. Free of me. Free of all the bullshit I somehow come along with. I honestly don't when everything got so complicated and messy and inside out and right becoming left and up becoming down, but it just did, and what was the rightest thing in the world suddenly became the wrongest to me. I'm paying for it though. Whatever caused everything to suddenly become opposite and opposing is making me pay for it. Pay with my happiness and my sanity, with my life, with my will to live, with my everything I am paying for it.

I wish she could see it. See how much I need her. I wish she could turn those beautiful eyes on me like she used to, make me dive headfirst into an ocean that was only ours, only hers, disconnect me from everything but her. I wish she'd talk to me like she used to, her voice always filled with happiness, with love, with acceptance, with devotion, and with all the things I never deserved. I wish for it every night, but sometimes even I don't believe that I want her. How could I, I miss her calls on a daily basis, and always manage to get caught by her when me and Aiden happen to be busy. I know that I want her though, I know that I need her, more then any substance I've consumed, more then anything I've injected in myself, more then anything I've breathed in, seen, heard, touched, or come into contact with. I just wish she'd see...

And that's when it happened. I was still gazing at her, all these thoughts flying around that little head of mine, my eyes trying to kill whoever managed to wrap themselves around her and her heart, and win her back all at the same time, when she lifted her head from her drink and looked right at me. I did nothing, I said nothing, I doubt I even blinked or remembered to breath. All I saw was her, still as beautiful as the day I met her. Her eyes still as blue as a cloudless day at the beach, her skin still as perfect and smooth as silk, and her lips still as full and kissable as the day I did first kiss her. She was still everything she used to be, but I could see a fragment missing. Just a tiny one, just a shard missing, barely noticeable if you were doing a quick sweep, but still missing nonetheless. I felt my lips turn up in a small smile, and she returned the gesture, barely nodding her head to me, and I felt my own fragmented heart beat for the first time in a long long time. She then turned back to whoever that other girl was and whispered something in her ear, making the nameless girl perk up as she grabbed her hand and dragged her away to an unknown destination. It didn't bother me too much though, because I saw something in those eyes, that same persistent hope that never died, that same faith in me, that same love and devotion that wouldn't ever leave. I saw all those things, and I smiled.

_And all the while,_

_I was tryin to keep her there..._

_Not mine enough to need,_

_But mine enough to always care, always care_

_That song I heard,_

_That's my hummingbird._


End file.
